You are a pathetic excuse for a human being. I can't believe that in the time that I've known you, you have only become less and less of a person. Every time I interact with you my anger toward you lessens and my pity for you increases; no--not pity--rather my disgust. I can't believe that I allowed you to affect me in such a strong manner, to seep into my inner being and simply crush me. I can't believe that I still allow you to have that power over me, while miles away.

I am so pissed at you. I can't believe you've done this to me, again. You have made me feel like a fool, act like a fool, and look like a fool in front of everyone we know. I am disgusted with myself, but mostly with you. I gave you everything, and you gave me shit. Nothing. You never tried, and I made it so easy for you. I put my faith, my future, in your hands, and you swept them aside like they were nothing. I am nothing to you. Well, that's not true, I was something: your sex toy, doormat, and doting lover that waited around for you like some dumb animal. Our relationship was everything to me, but to you it was only an inconvenience. I am disgusted that I gave you 4 years of my life. I don't even want to begin to think about where I could be right now if it weren't for you and your lies. You lied to me. You always lied to me. Even in the end, the last words you said to me were lies. How can you live with yourself?
I knew everything about you, but I never knew the real you.
You knew everything about me, but never gave a damn whether or not you knew me.
I hope someday you realize what you've done, and it kills you inside.

I can't figure out if I hate you too much to miss you,
or if I miss you too much to hate you.
But please come back.

I heard our old song today, probably for the first time in years. I'm over you, yes, but it still made me sad. At this point, our lives have taken such different paths

Its hard to put into words how I feel about the relationship we had. I still don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I loved you and I'm not sure when I will again. I don't know, I sometimes wonder what might have been.

Just random babbling. :)

I hope you find everything you're looking for in a girl because whoever she is that gets to be with you sure is lucky.

Dear You,
Now I'm just worried, and confused. Why are you making an effort not to talk to me? Why are you ignoring me? What have I done wrong? I've gone out of my way to make sure I've not been saying anything to offend or anger you, I can't think of anything I've done wrong. Or is it something I haven't done, that I ought to have? We sorted our argument out, weeks and weeks ago, you were helping me, when I was scared and worried, you were trying to make sure I was ok.I thought our relationship actually meant something to you, you talked to me about things you wouldn't tell others, you laughed at my jokes, and I laughed at your silly ways you try to amuse me, you tried to take care of me, and I tried to help you. I'm sorry that I've hurt you in the past, that I lead you on, but you know that I love you. Just, not in that way. I really value our friendship that we could possibly build..Come on, talk to me, I never want to lose our friendship. Ever. But I suppose, if you do, I'm going to have to let it be that way, because I'd rather you were happy than simply sticking being friends with me. Of course, I'd prefer it if you were happy and friends with me. But if that can't happen, then I suppose I'll have to let you go.I know we have our arguments, and they hurt us more than most, but we get over them. We move on, forget them. We never mean to hurt each other. I miss you, I really do. Just talk to me. Stop distancing yourself from me. I can try to make this better, if only I know what's gone wrong..

Dear Self.

Couldn't you pretend to be more like normal girls?
I mean, just pretend to be into shopping and designer clothes and expensive things.
Your sister got it right. Straight As, Husband, cute clothes, good college, House, pretty face to go along with the brains.
But no.
You go through life in your baggy clothes and jeans and scars on your stomach and obsession with dying and rack up therapist bills and be the imperfect child with her own child.
I hate you so much that, really, i think we should be different people.

Hate.
Me

maybe one day i'll have enough courage to cuss the hell out of you for being such a man hoe. you may not think your not a man hoe but talking to six different girls, two which are my closest friends who DON'T want to talk to you, puts you in the area of a man hoe. get over yourself, baby you are nothing special. i'm over you. been over you and it's not getting through that big thick head of yours.

Why're you doing this? You're probably just being a friend, yeah, but I wonder if maybe you have an alternate reason for always talking to me? This super-concerns me. I don't want to be anything more than friends with you. I don't want to go through that /hope /hope /hope *CRUSH* thing with you, because you have the potential to be such a great friend. Please don't get feelings for me =]

My new neice!! I love her! I cant believe how little she is!!! Hers a couplepictures of her and then some of me and jayden! Cant believe how huge he is now!

Dear You,

You promised that you'd never let me down. I laughed and said that there was no way you'd be able to keep your promise; that letting me down eventually was pretty much inevitable.

I was right.

Love

Dear love life,

Please improve. Everyone says it won't happen while you're looking, but it's become a habit for me now, and I don't know how to not look. I also hate that the second someone gets a boyfriend (no matter how sucky at boys they've been in the past) they feel like they should give me advice. I don't need advice! I don't know what I need.

Love,
Me

God?

Dear God,

I've questioned your existence and I followed somebody's advice: I picked up a Bible for the first time in years. But is it bad to pick up a Bible and feel nothing when it's pages are opened? I want to find my religion again. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Love..
Liss?

depressed

t's taken a while but i have finally been able to admit that I am depressed. I've been feeling it for awhile, but because I was so aware of what the symptoms were and because I'm used to always being the strong one, I didn't want to consider it as an option or really fess up to it. But now that I don't have school or work as a distraction, I'm home all day and I'm really feeling the change in mood and appetite and of course in my sleeping pattern. I've finally found the reason for my depression. & it was right infront of me all day ever day. My mom. God, why did cancer have to strike out family. I don't know how many of you out there have ever known someone who took chemotherapy or radiation treatment as an option for killing cancer, but there is no real way to avoid the hurt you feel for them, for your self, for your family, everyday I see mymoms hair..short..a different color..Im happy shes helthy now..but at the same time I look at her and just wonder is she going to be here this christmas, next? I cant stand the thought without my mom, shes been there through everything, my stupid descisions, my good times and bad, I dont know if I could stand to live without her. I see and hear about people dying everyday from caner, its in the movies, its in stores, little pink ribbons, thinkgs for breast cancer, I just get a reminder everyday that my mom was diagnosed with this life threatening disease..
i just hope, pray and wish that this cancer is gone and WILL NEVER come back. I love you so much mom.

missing piece?

All day today i kind of done absolutely nothing, and its given me time to think. To think long and hard about every aspect of my life. And i've come to the conclusion that something is truly missing.

I have amazing friends who care. They aren't friends with me for what am, but for who I am. and it's great. I'm glad I have let the people who I have let in my life in. My friends listen to me, and we can talk about everything, oh and we do. I'm always there for them no matter what, and they are always there for me no matter what. I cherish them so much. They bring me so much happiness and so many smiles. They are what I live for and always will.

I've realized im not over my ex (he knows who he is), Ive been telling people I am and I have realized the first step in moving on is to admit to myself I can truely do better and I am okay with him having a new girlfriend because he's truely happy and he was nothing but rude to me and good things come to those who wait....

Still in my life I feel like a big piece is missing and I cant find it. I need someone to guide me in the right dirrection to find my missing piece.