Life is Getting So confusing and dramatic to the point I just Kind of sit there at laugh..it's not like a laugh haha Funny it's like how Pathetic and over worked im getting over people and just things going on. Whatever ive been keeping alot of the current stuff inside from the past two weeks and I just think im going to keep it inside im going to try and let it not get to me. Ok I think im done now.

The thing that is bugging me is people who just want to sit in their little pools of self misery and bring everyone else down with them. I don't mean to sound bitchy but I'm just so sick of people i care about telling me they just want to give up on life. I have been through some bad shit in my life, so yes i get where there coming from, and i know it can be hard, but i just can't stand it when they just give up. Like the world is suppose to owe them something. In my opinion life is what you make it. You can either be like them and sit back and go life's a bitch I wana be dead, or you put your energy into making your life worth living.
Not to mention that just giving up on life and saying goodbye is a really selfish thing to do. I mean do they think about the mess they leave the people who cared about them, and how their action may destroy other peoples lives too. There death could spark a chain reaction of deaths, but I don't suppose they think about that, because its all about THEM, and how much THEIR life sucks.

I guess I'm just sick of worrying about the people I love because either they feel like giving up or their connected to people like that, or people who have already left us.

WHY CAN'T ANYONE JUST BE HAPPY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE?!?!?

They say all things happen for a reason... but do you ever wonder what the reason is? Do you ever wonder why things just can't go your own way for a while? Do you wonder why everything bad always happens at one time? Hah. You know, you think it'd be more balanced. Like first some good things, then some bad, or vice versa.

They say everyone has a soul mate, but then again, if they do, why do some people die alone? You're not supposed to be able to choose who you fall in love with. Love is supposedly eternal, so why do people get divorced? Aren't they just messing with fate?

Also, they say that people who smoke will die sooner than those of us who don't. Suppose someone who smokes dies in a car crash? That had nothing to do with smoking. It could have been fate. But why can't we know our own fate? Wouldn't that make life so much easier?

Even if we did know our fate, everything still wouldn't work out, because we would want to alter our fate. So, even if you did find out where you'd be ten years from now, you can't change it. And even if we could change our fate, we would want to know what paths not to go down. What desicions we should make. Where to be at what specific time. What to say and what not to say. It would be an endless amount of things we would have to know in order for us to be happy.

I mean, fate's already written our beginning, middle, and end. Like I said earlier, everything happens for a reason, or so they say. If that's true, then alot of questions shouldn't need to be asked. Like, if you can't get someone out of your mind, maybe they were meant to be there. Maybe fate put them there for some sort of purpose. And why do people pay so much attention from people from their past? There's most likely a reason that they're not in their future, so why waste the time worrying about it?

As I stated before, we can never be truly happy because we will never have all the answers. Fate is the only thing that knows them, and it keeps them all locked up where no one can ever find them. To most people, that doesn't seem fair. But think about this. We'll always be asking questions. That's the point I'm trying to make, I think. We're never satisfied.

We'll never have all the answers. And you know what? I'm kind of happy about that. I mean, what's the point of playing a game if you know who's going to win? What's the point of watching a movie or reading a book if you know how it ends? What's the point of living if you know when and how you're going to die? ... Exactly. There isn't a point at all.

We don't know where our future is going to take us. For all we know, fate could have written our final chapter, and one more page, one more second later, we could reach the end. Even though we won't always be satisfied with what we have in front of us, within a matter of minutes, we could lose everything.

So live for today. You don't know if fate has blessed you with a tomorrow.



Okay I am done with my words of wisdom..update more later

This one of my favorite pictures of my two loves of my life!! I was getting ready for church, and I look over on the bed and he was all nuzzled and cozy next to his dad so of course I had to take a picture! :].

Dear richard,
All this time I've been really afraid to let you know how much you've hurt me. Every little thing, I never wanted you to see it on me. I'm starting to realize that maybe its not healthy and you should realize how much you hurt me. Then you'd see what all really happened and then maybe you'd understand everything, and most importantly me, better.

I've been so afraid all this time for you to see it because I've been afraid that you wouldn't react to it. You wouldn't care. You'd blow it over. But after all this time, what have I got to lose right? You're barely in my life anymore and I've made a strong effort to keep all your friends that somehow turned into my friends out of my life.

So I don't know how I'm going to do it but I'm going to make you see how much you hurt me. Everything I kept bottled up, all the secrets I told everyone not to tell you, all the problems and situations that happened because of your abscense. Somehow you're going to see it. I'm going to tell them to tell you. I'm going to tell them to tell you that on that one night when I was crying it wasn't just because I was drunk and because I gt in fights with my parents or friends.. I'm going to have them tell you the truth, that it was all because of you.

Yes. You had that much of an effect on me. Whether I hated you, loved you, felt indifferent you still made a big impact on me. I had this exterior and I knew what I was doing. I knew how not to get hurt and how to love. I knew the difference. You made a big dent inside of me and blurred the lines I had drawn myself. I don't like admitting it but it's true and maybe I just shouldnt hide the truth anymore because people can partially see it whether I try to hide it or not. And if you were around me then and now you would probably realize it too. But you weren't.

So I hope you realize how much you hurt me. I hope it explains a lot. I hope you feel sorry. I hope you realize that you weren't the only one hurt. Every thing you felt; anger, sadness, regret.. I respect it. I did a lot. Just know that you weren't the only one. I felt a lot too and we both have different ways of dealing with it.

This is being drawn out.
Love, Me.

Dear Boys in my Life

I came to realization a few days ago that you've all hurt me. Every single one of you, since I was little. I've been treated badly by all of you. Pushed around, controlled, verbally abused, yelled at, ignored, told to shut up. You name it, you've all done it. I'm tired of it. So when I say leave me alone, I mean it. Don't send me messages about how sorry you are, I may believe you, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be left alone. Don't expect me to come up and talk to you if you just stand there. I'm not taking the initiative because every time I have, it has been in vain. Don't expect me to talk to you after you've yelled at me. I'm not mad at any of you anymore, but I can't handle you all right now. I have stuff to do, and you're not going to get in the way of that.

Until I meet a boy who will accept me for who I am and take care not to hurt me, I will expect to be left alone.

People.

People.

People are made not to question anything. Don't question society. Don't question religion. The government. Your parents. Authority. And don't question what you're taught. You just sit down and take it. Before we're even born our opinions are made. Our parents teach us what they think is right. If we go to church we hear all this Bull about what is bad. They even put a label on it: sinning. and when you sin you go to hell. School crams manufactured facts and ideas down our throats. We're told one side of the story where things have been cut out and changed and we're told to believe it. We have to memorize this crap they teach us. And they make sure we do by giving us tests. If we fail the tests we fail the class, and that just won't do because we have to grow up and get into good colleges so we can get jobs and become the responsible adults we're supposed to be. We have to get jobs so we can buy digital cable and mini vans. If you don't have lots of money you're treated like dirt in this country. You're ignored and people who have more money look down on you. And god forbid if anyone is different. God forbid if you're gay, or a hippie, or if you smoke grass, or practice anything other than a major religion. It's human nature to conform. We put ourselves into groups. Herds. Tribes. And we all stay that way in our little groups judging everyone else. good guys versus bad guys. and if you slap religion on it everyone goes along. You get these people who can't step out of this box. You go along with whatever the president says or does and if you don't you're not patriotic, you're a terrorist. a freaking terrorist. holy crap. not that i dont like the president hes a smart man but come on you cant agree with every freaking thing he does or says. Heres something random...Movies make people think that everything is supposed to be perfect and pretty. you're always going to get the guy you like. you're going to kiss and hug and you'll never get old. everything's supposed to be beautiful. Then we have kids who have grown up thinking all this is supposed to be true. they get to these points in their lives where everything is bad. the guy doesn't like them back. there are no hugs and kisses. their parents are drunks or coke addicts. they realize there are no sound tracks. and there's not always a perfect ending. and this new generation of kids don't know how to deal with this. they get more and more pissed off. their parents told them that they could be anything they wanted, and they grow up to work stupid crap jobs.

i'll write more later thats it for now

..

Who am i? a question that is constantly burning at the back of my head. Why am I here, what is my purpose? For Nineteen years I have been fighting, fighting with my parents, getting in constant arguments with my sister who at the time I just wanted as one of my friends, and i have been fighting with people that I thought I cared about, but most importantly people that I thought had cared about me. But the one person that I am persistently fighting with is myself. Nineteen years and I still have no idea what the hell I am doing. I am lost yet I know exactly where I am. I have lost the most wonderful boyfriend that I could ever ask for and he loved me with everything that is within him, and I screwed up.. even though I have done many things that would make any other person walk right out the door. He at least talks to me now ..I don't know what I have done to deserve such a perfect caring person, but I thank God every day hes understanding. Nothing that should make sense to even the most experienced mind, for some reason makes sense to me. It feels like I have been through it all, and in a way I kind of have, I've dealt with the struggle, and pain of addiction, I've dealt with the death's of people that have been SO important to me, I've been told that I am the absolute scum of the world and that whatever I do or say has completely no meaning, I have been beaten and yelled at because I'm not good enough, yet when someone asked what happened I would become a coward and mutter that I had only fell. I have thought that I was in love with someone that had meant so much to me yet when I leave him alone with my friend and some alcohol the unimaginable happened, but I forgave. I have been through the darkest of the dark with a depression that I never thought that I would make it through. I don't understand the things that happen; but I do understand that I have to deal with the cards that are given to me. I never actually expected that when it came to this point in my life that I would essentially have to grow up. Life has been nothing but a series of events piling into place, all leading to one thing, right now. I have made so many mistakes and have learned so much more from the consequences behind them, but after all that has happened I still can't let myself let go, and I still can't forgive the one person that needs to be forgiven, and that's myself.

I have no Idea Why I am on here.

I guess I made this so I could have some where to post all the random writings of mine, Not that anyone will actually read them I guess, but just to know I have my words out there, Well anyway, i'm going to post all the writings I have so far!
-Lissy