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Who am i? a question that is constantly burning at the back of my head. Why am I here, what is my purpose? For Nineteen years I have been fighting, fighting with my parents, getting in constant arguments with my sister who at the time I just wanted as one of my friends, and i have been fighting with people that I thought I cared about, but most importantly people that I thought had cared about me. But the one person that I am persistently fighting with is myself. Nineteen years and I still have no idea what the hell I am doing. I am lost yet I know exactly where I am. I have lost the most wonderful boyfriend that I could ever ask for and he loved me with everything that is within him, and I screwed up.. even though I have done many things that would make any other person walk right out the door. He at least talks to me now ..I don't know what I have done to deserve such a perfect caring person, but I thank God every day hes understanding. Nothing that should make sense to even the most experienced mind, for some reason makes sense to me. It feels like I have been through it all, and in a way I kind of have, I've dealt with the struggle, and pain of addiction, I've dealt with the death's of people that have been SO important to me, I've been told that I am the absolute scum of the world and that whatever I do or say has completely no meaning, I have been beaten and yelled at because I'm not good enough, yet when someone asked what happened I would become a coward and mutter that I had only fell. I have thought that I was in love with someone that had meant so much to me yet when I leave him alone with my friend and some alcohol the unimaginable happened, but I forgave. I have been through the darkest of the dark with a depression that I never thought that I would make it through. I don't understand the things that happen; but I do understand that I have to deal with the cards that are given to me. I never actually expected that when it came to this point in my life that I would essentially have to grow up. Life has been nothing but a series of events piling into place, all leading to one thing, right now. I have made so many mistakes and have learned so much more from the consequences behind them, but after all that has happened I still can't let myself let go, and I still can't forgive the one person that needs to be forgiven, and that's myself.