i think our friendship is slowly coming to a close. i've stepped back and realized that you don't take the time like i do to simply enjoy what is around you. i've noticed that everything you do absolutely must have a purpose. which sounds good in theory, but gets exhausting. i hardly see or hear of you reflecting on situations and saying "i felt relaxed". everything you tell me about always involves some kind of stress....either being pissed, or crying or upset, or confused....in fact, mostly negative. hardly ever do i hear "it just felt good" ...unless it of course involved some kind of guy. i know i'm your best friend well not lately, but i always hate hearing about how something is just pissing you off. or how you have such-and-such to do. or how some situation is simply going to hell. yes you are driven....but what's the point if you don't at least enjoy yourself along the way? it gets you where you are going, and fast, but doesn't give you the time to realize whether or not it's what you want. that's the point of trying to enjoy yourself.

Everything is shitty. Please do something good for me. Make things make sense. Things need to be less hectic, less confusing, less stressful, less all over the place. I need some guidance, some help, some compassion. Just help me figure things out. Give me a shoulder to cry on, a warm body to sleep next to. Let me forgive my weaknesses and pull through them until I'm my happy and positive self again. Let me ask others for help and not be ashamed. Let me express my feelings in the way that I want them to. Give me courage to ask for what I want. Let me sleep until I'm no longer tired. Let the rain wash away all this awful shit. Make me strong. Just make things easier for me to deal with. Thanks.

Yourself such an arrogant prick that I feel like slapping the Hell out of you. Sadly, you live God knows how many miles away and are safe from my wrath. The time when I see you, you better start running. I'm so f**king annoyed at you, it seems unreal. I'm immature? Let's get this straight. I'm not immature. I'm seeing things they really are. Well I am so sorry for having a joke, and I'm so sorry that I'm not running to you all the fricking time! I was the one who kept starting up conversations. I was the one who broke that deadly silence during the conversations. Do you really care for this friendship? God, I'm so glad that I don't love you anymore. From this event, I am finally seeing that you're nothing more than a little child.

All I want is to feel close to you. I want to trust you. I want nothing to change. I want to hear, "I love you," and, "Goodnight," before I fall asleep.

And if I can't have that, then what I want is the strength to live without it. I want dreams without you in them. I want the ability to go for days at a time without needing to talk to you. I want to be able to find someone else. I want to be able to move on.

But I am not moving on. I know it's too soon to hope that I might, but I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel . I would have you and everyone believe that I am dealing with this as calmly as possible, but I am acting desperate every single moment except when I know you are paying attention.

On a positive note, I only cried briefly yesterday, compared to the floods from weeks before. But it's not a mark of strength; being under supervision, I had no choice. I cannot make a single move without being watched because everyone is waiting for me to fall apart.

I already fell apart, though, didn't I? I have a Bad Habit worse than you will ever know. I can fight it as hard as I want, but at the end of the day, I haven't got the strength to resist. That would make you angry, probably angrier than I've ever seen you, which is why I won't tell you about it. If it is okay for you to hide things, it must be okay for me as well.

I think a part of my mind is still adjusting and doesn't quite believe that you can be without me. It's difficult when we started out as friends, experienced a period of separation, came back as friends and then lovers, and now have to go back to the friends situation. We are so practiced at being casual that it shouldn't feel much different now than it felt when we were together, but with a moratorium on kisses and orgasms and any mention of the future, there doesn't feel like there's much left. And it's not that way; I know there is more to us than the cutesy, making-other-people-wanna-hurl lovey-doveyness. We can talk about anything, and we've always been that way (excepting the period of separation) so we should be able to pick up and move on as friends knowing that we can always make a conversation.

But tell me, does it feel to you like we're abusing the privilege of knowing each other by not exploiting our compatibility to its greatest extent? Does it feel like a waste to you, that two people should have the capacity to be so perfect together, but choose instead to just be friends? I'm almost ashamed that I let this happen, that I made this happen, when I know we could be so much more than this. I wonder if you feel the same, or if it never felt that way to you -- if you always thought we were best as friends. I don't want to think that you went this whole time just pretending that it felt right. I hope I wasn't the only one involved.

It just breaks my heart to know that I have to tuck these feelings away now. It breaks my heart to have to square my shoulders, take a deep breath, and find comfort in my own independence. Which would be a lot easier if I actually were independent. But I am not because I still need you.